Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
