i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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