You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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