Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
