last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
