I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
