i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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