Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
