do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
