he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
