Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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