she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize