I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
