do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
