You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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