jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
