I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
