I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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