Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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