I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
