saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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