The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
