You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
