So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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