how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
