my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
