where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
