Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
