I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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