I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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