And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
my liver is dry heaving
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
