My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
