This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
