My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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