she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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