btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
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