Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
