Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
