apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize