The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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