this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
