I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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