I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
