She is in my trunk
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
