At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
