I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
