What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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