hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize