Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
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