I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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