You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
