i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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