i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
