I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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