I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
