corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
