lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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