I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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