My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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