woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
